Tiredness

Being with children all day is tiring and so is going to work. A lot of parents are doing one, the other or both of these things. Make some allowances for each other and look at things from each others point of view.

Try and give each other small breaks to rest and have some head space. It doesn’t have to be for long – even ten minutes drinking a cup of tea in peace whilst the other parent baths the children or plays in the garden can help. It shows that you appreciate the pressures on each other.

Try and have good bedtime routines not just for the children but for you too.

• Get up and go to to bed at a regular time.
• Turn off screens an hour before sleep – the blue light gets in the way of sleep hormone production. Maybe you could have a chat instead?

Try and get exercise every day – it can be a fast walk or an activity that gets your heart beating a bit faster.

• It reduces stress and helps produce ‘feel good hormones’.
• Helps you sleep better
• Will increase your energy level.

Communication

Being able to talk about your feelings and listen to the feelings of your partner is very important in being able to get along together. When we avoid talking about things that are bothering us it can make us feel cross and irritable.

Make time to talk. Ideally choose a time when you can calmly talk about your feelings rather when something has just upset you. If you are feeling angry – try and take time to calm down before you react.

If you do snap – notice this in yourself and walk away. Remember to say sorry for how you acted. Your children are watching and learning from you.

• Talk about how you feel using the word ‘I’ – I felt really stressed when I had to make the tea, bath the baby and do bedtime last night – rather than ‘you never help me with anything’.
• Suggest an answer ‘how would you feel if I did tea and you did bath this evening? – then we will both be able to relax sooner’.
• Listen to your partner’s point of view – take time to think about it before you answer.

Listening To Each Other

Listening is as important as talking to settle a problem.

• It is easy to focus on getting your point across but you need to listen to carefully to what your partner says too.
• Take a breath before you answer
• Check you’ve understood what they say to avoid misunderstandings – ‘you feel that I don’t help enough with the children after work?’

Focus On The Positives

When your relationship feels difficult, it can be easy to forget to notice and talk about the good things.

• When your partner does something you like – tell them – ‘I love the way you do ‘voices’ when you read the children stories – they have a lovely time with you’.
• Make sure you notice when they are trying their best.
• Even something as simple as saying please and thank you can get forgotten when we are tired and stressed by day to day life.

Read more about communication in relationships

Parental Conflict

Whilst every relationship goes through difficult times, if children are around arguments and conflict regularly it is harmful to them. 

Children who are around conflict, notice it. Even if they seem too little, or are in bed, or in another room they will know. Children are very tuned in to the world around them. They can be scared and worried when their parents aren’t getting on.

If the arguments carry on, counselling support can make a difference. You can go together or separately. It can give you time and space to work out how to improve your relationship. You might decide the relationship is over. Relationship counsellors can help you manage this as well as possible for you and your children.

Find out more about parental conflict

Domestic Abuse

Sometimes relationships are not healthy and the relationship is abusive. It can be very hard to accept your relationship is unsafe for you and for your child.

Growing up around domestic abuse can cause long-term harm to children and young people. Those who have experienced growing up around abusive relationships are more likely to be abused or abuse others when they grow up.

They are more likely to experience behavioural problems, low confidence, anxiety and depression. This can affect them throughout their lives.

When a parent is able to leave an abusive relationship the children quickly benefit from a calmer, safer home. There are services to help you and them recover from what they have experienced.

Often it takes time to come to a decision to leave an abusive relationship. If you are thinking about leaving it is a good idea to make a safety plan to make sure you are as safe as possible.

Read more about domestic abuse and support available