Triggers

You know your child best. You may notice that there are some things that make an angry outburst more likely. Being aware of this can help you and your child avoid a meltdown.

Anger can be triggered by basic needs like hunger or tiredness. Or it may be that stress, new situations or family upsets or worries increase the number of outbursts. Things like teasing or feeling ‘bossed about’ by a sibling can also create these feelings. Sometimes stepping in to distract and support your child to manage their frustration can head off an outburst.

Knowing how best to respond to your child can be difficult when they are angry. The reasons and how your child shows anger will depend on a number of things like age, personality and understanding.

There is a pattern to anger. It can happen very quickly but if you can spot the stages you may be able to sometimes avoid the meltdown. Use some time after an outburst to think how it might be avoided next time. As your child gets older it is important that they get in the habit of reflecting on this too.

Stages of an angry outburst:

The Trigger 

• Try to intervene or distract your child when you first notice they are becoming irritable or angry.
• Give positive instructions and give time for your child to act on these.
• Notice the triggers for future reference.

Escalation – it’s getting bigger!

• Try to change activity to diffuse the situation.
• Encourage your child to use calming strategies such as the “Take 5 breathing”, counting to ten or a physical activity like star jumps.

Crisis Stage – meltdown!

• Make sure everyone is safe and remain calm.
• Use a quiet, slow and clear voice so your child has time to understand what you are saying.

Recovery Stage – for you as well as your child.

• Allow time for your child to calm down safely.
• Give them a simple calming activity such as colouring or drawing.
• Be positive, encouraging and avoid discussing what happened at this point.

Post-Crisis Stage

• Having a meltdown is exhausting - your child will need reassurance and encouragement from you as the chemicals in their body returns to normal.
• Having a meltdown is a really scary experience for a child – they may need you to reassure and comfort them.
• If they are old enough you can discuss any unwanted behaviour after they are calm.

Follow up

• Reflect, talk and listen with your child.
• Try to make a plan together to avoid future angry outbursts.
• It is important that your child feels listened to, especially when they are talking about something that is important to them and resulted in a strong emotion like anger.

Always praise your child when they try to manage a difficult feeling in a positive way. If they don’t manage it talk to them when they have calmed down. Come up with a plan about what they could try another time.

The Anger Iceberg

It can be helpful to think of your child’s anger like an iceberg. If your child is showing lots of signs they are angry, underneath the surface they could be feeling lots of other emotions.

Anger is sometimes just the quickest and easiest emotion to show.

• Think about the other things that could be happening for your child at the moment.
• Talk with them about what they might be feeling underneath.

You can download the anger iceberg below.

Fight Or Flight

Fight, flight or freeze is a normal reaction. It is our body’s way of preparing itself to respond to danger. Back in cave man times it would have been the instinct that kept us safer when wild animals were around.

Fight, flight or freeze is an automatic response. It can happen when the danger is real or only in our minds. Our body’s automatic reaction is either to;

• Stay and fight.
• Run away.
• Freeze and be unable to move.

It can be helpful to watch out for when your child has a “fight ,flight or freeze” response. Be aware of any patterns or triggers. Flight or flight can be a sign of the anger emotion. This response is our bodies letting us know that there is a danger. We can stay and fight the danger or run away.

Being able to spot the signs of anger early can help your child understand what they are feeling. Talk about what your child feels when they start to get angry. For example, they may notice that:

• Their heart beats faster.
• Their muscles tense.
• Their teeth clench.
• They clench their fists.
• Their stomach churns.
• They feel hot.
• They want to hit or kick.
• They shout or swear.

Let It Out

Helping your child find safe ways to let out anger can be good for all the family. Giving your child a space where they can go if they are feeling angry can also make them feel more secure.

Safe ways for your child to let their anger out:

• Listening to or playing music
• Writing down or drawing how they are feeling
• Hitting or punching a cushion or pillow
• Counting to 10 slowly
• Exercise such as kicking a football or jumping on a trampoline
• Tearing up an old newspaper or magazine
• Scribbling with a marker pen.

Ideas For Calming Down

The videos below explain what your child can do to calm intense fear or anger so they can make better decisions, and how they can create a space between a situation occurring and their reaction to it.

Shelf Help Books

Books about mental health for 13 to 18 year olds, with advice and information about issues like anxiety, stress and OCD, bullying and exams.

All Shelf Help books can be reserved for free from any Norfolk library, or online. The books are available to borrow for up to six weeks.

Suggestions:

• Feeling Angry! by Katie Douglass.
• Mindful Me: Exploring Emotions: A Mindfulness Guide to Dealing With Emotions by Paul Christelis and Elisa Paganell.

Health Uncovered Podcast

Health Uncovered is a series of podcasts that aims to get young people in-tune with their health and wellbeing. The series is hosted by BBC Radio One presenter Cel Spellman and features young people and health professionals from our Norfolk Healthy Child Programme.

Life isn't always easy - and young people across the country have been helping us explore the issues that they’re facing today. From online bullying to sexual health, body image to mental health. They've been asking the questions you want to hear answered, joined by the health professionals that help young people, like school nurses and mental health specialists, to provide solutions, support and understanding.